Dear Santa...

I wrote this a few years ago....

Dear Santa,

What's the deal? Are you planning on bringing me some gifts I can actually use this year or am I going to have to get Mid-Evil on your jolly rump again? Haven't I proven to you that I have been a good girl? Being a Mom isn't as easy a job as you think it would be, ya' know. Just yesterday I managed to wash, dry, and fold 3 loads of laundry while performing my many talents of Dish Hurling, Vomiting Baby Wiper, Toddler Chasing 101, Cat Juggling, and Tap Dusting (that's when you tap dance and dust at the same time). Not to mention my other abilities such as; Multi Tasking (a performance only done by women), Grocery Jedi Master, and Grand Prix Race Car Chauffer.

I don't ask for too much, Santa. I just want you to be aware that if you want all of the good things I do to continue...fork over the presents!!! It's just that simple.

My wish list includes:

1. A new body...not a Barbie body, just a new one that doesn't tire out as quickly, doesn't have any jiggly-wiggly parts attached, and can fit into any buttoned, zipped or spandex article of clothing and not look like a rump roast ready to explode.

2. A Maid. Yes, that's right...I said a Maid! I don't care if she's Merry or not...just as long as she can clean like the wind and looks like an ugly man in drag. This gift is for me, not for my husband. Got it?

3. My own bed. My husband can get his own. I just want this bed all to myself. I dream...well, I at least day dream of what it would be like to have the covers all to myself, be able to roll over and not fall out of bed, wake up refreshed for once, and not feel the morning 'salute' from my husband.

4. A Bull Horn. Since I have children who apparently fell deaf over the past few years, I will need this device to be able to communicate 'effectively' on a daily basis.

5. A Tape Recorder with a built in Stun Gun. I have a husband who says: "You never told me that!" This device should resolve any future memory losses.

6. And last but not least...a few stocking stuffers like my old hair color back. (I can't remember the original color, but anything that isn't grey, frizzy or falling out will do). Oh...and perfect eyesight. Having the Optometrist say that I have 'Geriatric Eyes' made me want to find my nutcracker and practice my golf grip on him. Go figure.

That's it Santa! I know it seems like a bit much, but I deserve it. If you hesitate to bring me the fore mentioned items I'll be forced to show you my unpleasant side and call in for backup. I have a few angry woman friends who would be willing to help me kick a fat man's butt just for the heck of it!

I am counting on you being a smart Elf.

Sincerely,
Mom